Promise me no dead-ends.
Yesterday at the Woodbury SOAR family day, Norman Millar, the head of the architecture department, said something that I haven't been able to accept, that I will be too busy to come back home very often for the next five years. He asked parents to understand that his collegues and himself will be keeping their students up all night and all weekend in studio and to be supportive of their sons and daughters when they appologize for not coming home for a couple months at a time. One of the main reasons I chose to go to Woodbury was so that I could come home.
It broke my heart to see my mom holding back tears as she told me how excited she was for me. Being a mom is all my mom as done for the last 19 years - at least the only thing on which she places any importance. It seems so ungrateful that after all of the sacrifice and heartache, from the very first time she dropped me of at kindergarten, I pack up my room and drive 200 miles away. Can I really do this to her?
And what about Dad? He's already told me that I'm going to have to find someone else to walk me down the aisle, because he isn't going to give me away. I keep thinking about all of the times he would get home in the middle of the afternoon from shiftwork, having not slept all night, change into slacks and go to watch me get an award, or a chorus recital, or a play, when it was all that he could do to not fall asleep in the fold-up chair.
Is that what parenthood is about? For 18 years, giving everything that you've got to your children, then they leave for college and you're left with an empty room and an empty space in the driveway.
But it wouldn't be fair to them to stay at home, either. My parents raised me to do great and important things. How could I not fulfill the dreams that they have for me? Wouldn't that be even more ungrateful?
I don't want to go to Woodbury if it means not seeing my family for months at a time. I know I'm going to get homesick, but what about them? What about Chelsea? I'm moving two hours away from my best friend when she's going through the most important time of her life to date.
What if I get to Woodbury and it's just like high school? What if I'm too weird for people there? What if everyone there forgets my birthday, too? What if I get sick and there's no one there? What if my roommate hates me? What if all of the other architecture kids already know lots of things about architecture and have designed buildings and made models before? I don't know how to do those things yet. The only person I know anywhere close is Cody, and he's 40 minutes away.
I'm not even sure I can be an architect. I love architecture, but what if no one likes my ideas? What if one of my buildings fall and people get hurt? What if I'm just not good at it? My parents and grandparents would have wasted their money, and more importantly, their hope, on a failure.
I know that this is God's plan for me, but I'm obviously having trust issues here. Why can't I go to Biola and major in the humanities? That is comfortable; I know what that's like. I've seen people do it. I have no idea what an architecture major entails. One of the professors says that around finals, he'll see students in the studios as he's going home, and the next day in class, they're wearing the same clothes -- they didn't leave the studios all night. I hope my load will be easier since I don't have any GED classes left, but I should just spend that time in studio, anyway. Is that just my sporadic perfectionism talking? What if I never see Cody? He'll be busy also, of course.
Nana and Papa came home from mass and my cousins will be here soon, so I should stop rambling and get ready.
It broke my heart to see my mom holding back tears as she told me how excited she was for me. Being a mom is all my mom as done for the last 19 years - at least the only thing on which she places any importance. It seems so ungrateful that after all of the sacrifice and heartache, from the very first time she dropped me of at kindergarten, I pack up my room and drive 200 miles away. Can I really do this to her?
And what about Dad? He's already told me that I'm going to have to find someone else to walk me down the aisle, because he isn't going to give me away. I keep thinking about all of the times he would get home in the middle of the afternoon from shiftwork, having not slept all night, change into slacks and go to watch me get an award, or a chorus recital, or a play, when it was all that he could do to not fall asleep in the fold-up chair.
Is that what parenthood is about? For 18 years, giving everything that you've got to your children, then they leave for college and you're left with an empty room and an empty space in the driveway.
But it wouldn't be fair to them to stay at home, either. My parents raised me to do great and important things. How could I not fulfill the dreams that they have for me? Wouldn't that be even more ungrateful?
I don't want to go to Woodbury if it means not seeing my family for months at a time. I know I'm going to get homesick, but what about them? What about Chelsea? I'm moving two hours away from my best friend when she's going through the most important time of her life to date.
What if I get to Woodbury and it's just like high school? What if I'm too weird for people there? What if everyone there forgets my birthday, too? What if I get sick and there's no one there? What if my roommate hates me? What if all of the other architecture kids already know lots of things about architecture and have designed buildings and made models before? I don't know how to do those things yet. The only person I know anywhere close is Cody, and he's 40 minutes away.
I'm not even sure I can be an architect. I love architecture, but what if no one likes my ideas? What if one of my buildings fall and people get hurt? What if I'm just not good at it? My parents and grandparents would have wasted their money, and more importantly, their hope, on a failure.
I know that this is God's plan for me, but I'm obviously having trust issues here. Why can't I go to Biola and major in the humanities? That is comfortable; I know what that's like. I've seen people do it. I have no idea what an architecture major entails. One of the professors says that around finals, he'll see students in the studios as he's going home, and the next day in class, they're wearing the same clothes -- they didn't leave the studios all night. I hope my load will be easier since I don't have any GED classes left, but I should just spend that time in studio, anyway. Is that just my sporadic perfectionism talking? What if I never see Cody? He'll be busy also, of course.
Nana and Papa came home from mass and my cousins will be here soon, so I should stop rambling and get ready.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-- Jeremiah 29:11
posted by Jess @ 10:52 AM
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