Saturday, June 17, 2006

Like a Zipper.

Cody is home!!

I'm re-reading A Severe Mercy because the first time I read it was right after the Academy where I was given the book and right as Cody was leaving, and it was too hard to read it just then, so I only got through a couple chapters before I had to put it down. I've picked it back up again because I found it behind my bedside table and I am so glad it found me again. I had started reading it again before Cody got home, and because he was away, I really had the opportunity to think about the things Sheldon Vanauken says and then apply them to our relationship. One thing that I love love love about Cody is that he is always willing and eager to talking about anything. Many girls I know ask how I put up with Cody (I think they are usually kidding, but I think some are genuinely curious), and my answer is usually that there is very little to put up with. Our personalities align perfectly. I tend to be too passive, but he can be bold to the point of being mean; he encourages me to be more assertive and I show him how to be more loving -- and that's just one example of how wonderful this is.

I asked Cody what he thought of Vanauken's idea of separateness being "the failure behind all failures" and he agrees that this year spent one hundred miles away from each other has definitely affected our closeness and that next year our schedules will be even busier and although we will be closer geographically, we will have to work even harder to make time for the other. We decided that we will find a church somewhere in between our schools because of advice that J.P. Moreland gave Cody during Torrey Europe, actually, that it is crucial for couples interested in sustaining their relationship to go to the same church, if locationally possible. We will also try to spend most of Sundays together after church, and we're going to go on a date at least once during the week. I'm actually terribly excited about that! Cody and I have never been good at the date part of dating, so this is something new! We've talked about learning ballroom dancing together and volunteering together. I was so glad that he had the same concern about separateness as I did and is eager to prevent if from becoming a big problem and mending the damage it has done, which is minimal, anyway.

My suitcase is half-packed and I think I already have exceeded the weight limit for international flights. I'm not procrastinating; my laundry isn't done yet.

I bought new walking/running shoes for Europe (my last pair are from 7th grade) and let me tell you, these things are like walking on marshmallows. Ladies, when you look into new shoes, check out Ryka. They are designed specifically for women's feet and sponsored by grants for women's health. I don't know if that is why these things are so comfortable, but it's unique, anyway. I love my shoes.

I think I heard the dryer buzz. I'll try to write tomorrow night to leave you with the itinerary. I have 1.5 GB in memory sticks for my camera, so be ready to be bombarded with pictures when I get back. Goodnight!

posted by Jess @ 10:44 PM 0 Comments

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Promise me no dead-ends.

Yesterday at the Woodbury SOAR family day, Norman Millar, the head of the architecture department, said something that I haven't been able to accept, that I will be too busy to come back home very often for the next five years. He asked parents to understand that his collegues and himself will be keeping their students up all night and all weekend in studio and to be supportive of their sons and daughters when they appologize for not coming home for a couple months at a time. One of the main reasons I chose to go to Woodbury was so that I could come home.

It broke my heart to see my mom holding back tears as she told me how excited she was for me. Being a mom is all my mom as done for the last 19 years - at least the only thing on which she places any importance. It seems so ungrateful that after all of the sacrifice and heartache, from the very first time she dropped me of at kindergarten, I pack up my room and drive 200 miles away. Can I really do this to her?

And what about Dad? He's already told me that I'm going to have to find someone else to walk me down the aisle, because he isn't going to give me away. I keep thinking about all of the times he would get home in the middle of the afternoon from shiftwork, having not slept all night, change into slacks and go to watch me get an award, or a chorus recital, or a play, when it was all that he could do to not fall asleep in the fold-up chair.

Is that what parenthood is about? For 18 years, giving everything that you've got to your children, then they leave for college and you're left with an empty room and an empty space in the driveway.

But it wouldn't be fair to them to stay at home, either. My parents raised me to do great and important things. How could I not fulfill the dreams that they have for me? Wouldn't that be even more ungrateful?

I don't want to go to Woodbury if it means not seeing my family for months at a time. I know I'm going to get homesick, but what about them? What about Chelsea? I'm moving two hours away from my best friend when she's going through the most important time of her life to date.

What if I get to Woodbury and it's just like high school? What if I'm too weird for people there? What if everyone there forgets my birthday, too? What if I get sick and there's no one there? What if my roommate hates me? What if all of the other architecture kids already know lots of things about architecture and have designed buildings and made models before? I don't know how to do those things yet. The only person I know anywhere close is Cody, and he's 40 minutes away.

I'm not even sure I can be an architect. I love architecture, but what if no one likes my ideas? What if one of my buildings fall and people get hurt? What if I'm just not good at it? My parents and grandparents would have wasted their money, and more importantly, their hope, on a failure.

I know that this is God's plan for me, but I'm obviously having trust issues here. Why can't I go to Biola and major in the humanities? That is comfortable; I know what that's like. I've seen people do it. I have no idea what an architecture major entails. One of the professors says that around finals, he'll see students in the studios as he's going home, and the next day in class, they're wearing the same clothes -- they didn't leave the studios all night. I hope my load will be easier since I don't have any GED classes left, but I should just spend that time in studio, anyway. Is that just my sporadic perfectionism talking? What if I never see Cody? He'll be busy also, of course.

Nana and Papa came home from mass and my cousins will be here soon, so I should stop rambling and get ready.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-- Jeremiah 29:11

posted by Jess @ 10:52 AM 0 Comments

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Up and down the bouleva-a-ard.

I watched a sunrise today. It's not often that I'm up before the sun, but I had a placement exam at 8:00 this morning in Burbank which meant my alarm went off at 4:30. I was going to say that I got up at 4:30, but that would be a lie. The Drews have a floor-to-ceiling window on one wall of the shower that looks out over the balcony to the eastern hills, and as I was showering, the sun came up over the hills and warmed my body. It was a glorious way to start the day.

Two and a half hours later, I was at Woodbury University in a computer lab taking a computer literacy exam -- quite possibly the easiest exam I've ever taken. 20 minutes (5 for me) of Word processing, 30 minutes (I did it in 10) of Excel spreadsheeting, and 20 minutes (done in 5) of web browsing and email. I was waived from taking the math, English, and information literacy exams because I have fulfilled all of my math and English requirements and they figured that to do that, I must be able to use a library, I guess. 2 hours on the freeway for a 20 minute test. That was frusterating. My mom came with me and drove because I knew I'd fall asleep behind the wheel. I love my mom. After the test, we drove around Burbank to find the bank and a computer store, two places I will definitely be visiting next year. Guess what was across the street from CompUSA? An IKEA! Only my very favorite store. Only there can I buy a plant for my desk at work, a pot for the plant, a film strip photo holder thing, a candy dish, clothespins (for Europe), and a purse holder for $35. I was a happy camper.

I came home and photoshopped for a bit (I'm an addict) then I took a 3 hour nap. I pulled my sheer curtains closed and turned on the fan and I had the best dream. Cody was home and we were driving in the Sprite down Pacific Coast Highway. I had my hair in a scarf and big sunglasses on, very Amelie in the park scene, and Cody was wearing a white t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up and blue jeans, which makes me think the dream was set in the past. I miss that guy. Only a week and a day until I see him again. I can do it!

I think I'm getting another one of those throat things. For those who don't know, every couple weeks, I get chunks of bacteria and vegetable material stuck in my tonsils. As you get older, your tonsils shrink, creating little folds like in a raisin that collect bacteria, which is always present in our mouths - I don't have a dirty mouth. The bacteria multiply and collect more vegetable material with is their food, so after a short while, there is a little colony growing in my throat. It's quite painful and gives me really bad breath no matter how often I brush my teeth. The last two times I've had them, I used the end of a toothbrush to open up that little fold part and it all popped out, but I don't think I got all of it out, because it's been coming back more often. I didn't want to pop it out myself, but it was on a weekend both times and it was too painful to wait to see Dr. Bate. Here is a picture if you want to see what it looks like. It's pretty gross so I'm linking to it instead of forcing you to see it by copying it here

I don't have much else to say tonight. I'm going to go back to working on some backgrounds for Sydney's MySpace. Have a good night.



posted by Jess @ 10:14 PM 0 Comments

Friday, June 02, 2006

I should really be sleeping.

I miss Cody. I had a really great dream about him last night, that we were floating down Truckee River in a yellow raft and the hot sun was tanning our skin and we drifted in and out of sleep down the quiet waters.

Then I woke up and remembered I was in a strange house with two neurotic dogs and an alarm system that wouldn't stop flashing. I don't know why I agreed to house- and dog-sit for Cody's aunt and uncle. Oh yeah, I needed the $300; not for anything important, I wanted to buy Photoshop CS and ditch Elements. I'm moving up in the world, people.

Dave called me last night around midnight after I posted a bulletin asking people to pray that I make it through the night okay. It was 2:00 am in Nebraska and he called before he went to bed to check up on me and calm my nerves ... Dave can always calm my nerves. Cooper, Lanie, Raf, and Steven: I don't know if you read this, but thank you also for making me feel safe and loved. I have wonderful friends.

I MISS CODY!!! I haven't heard from him in a week -- one whole week. I hope he's having a good time in Europe, but I can't help wondering if he's forgotten about me. I keep telling myself that I'm just being silly, but he said that there are internet cafes everywhere in London and that he'd email me, but it's been a week and I guess he hasn't made it over to one yet. I hope Dr. Reynolds has just been keeping him busy. I really really want him to come home. 10 more days, just 10 more days. I'm going to call the Torrey office again on Monday and ask them why Cody hasn't emailed me yet. Actually, I just want to make sure they're all safe. And that the reason Cody hasn't called is not that they got captured and are being held captive in the Alps, but just that they have so much to see.

Mom and I are driving up to Woodbury tomorrow so I can take a computer literacy exam. They want to make sure I know how to use the internet, Word, and Excel. I tried to explain that I work in a church and I use those things every day, but she said that was one thing she couldn't waive for me. So Mom and I are getting up at 4:30 in the morning to drive two hours to Burbank so I can take a test at 8:00 in the morning. We'd drive up tonight, but the hound and the bichon are afraid of the dark.

Goodnight, dear reader. It's 9:30 and if I go to bed right now, I'll get 7 hours of sleep. Ugh.

posted by Jess @ 9:45 PM 1 Comments